drugs...

Well if you don't know me than you don't know that my mother has been a drug addict off and on my entire life. Really she has been a drug addict for about 45 years. My sister and I always thought we would get that call one day that she was dead from an overdose or was murdered. Well instead I, as a young mother of 3, get to also take on the responsibility of taking care of my mother. The drugs have ruined her brain. She shakes 24/7, she can't finish many thoughts, her memory is awful. She is just not there anymore. I needed to write this because its emotionally helpful. I cried so much last night that my eyes were swollen when I woke up this morning. I knew when she visited me after Emily was born in February that she was no longer the same person. I mean she was never a normal person to begin with but the "Cheryle" that I always have known is no longer there. It's so sad and depressing. It scares me to think that in a few years that she could not be here anymore... That my kids will never know their grandmother as being even kinda normal. And to take on the responsibility at the age of 26 of being her care taker... THIS SUCKS!!! But thats the life that I was dealt... God gives us life and we have to deal with the choices we make but also the choices of those around us. Please pray for me so that I can have the strength to handle my mother and raise 3 awesome kids!

Growing up!

Wow in the past 2 months my babies have gotten a year older. Zachary turned 5 on March 21 and Maddison turned 2 on April 20. I just can't believe how big they are getting. This past weekend Zach learned to ride his bike with NO training wheels. I am so proud that he finally stuck with it and did it and all by himself. Maddison is learning how to talk better everyday which is nice because once she can talk hopefully she won't throw so many tantrums because she'll be able to talk instead of getting frustrated!

Little miss baby Emily is still little. At 11 week I can still put her in a newborn onesie. I can't believe how tiny she is but she's just a peanut! She is such a great addition to our family! Matt and I were definitly upset when I got pregnant with her but now I couldn't imagine our life with out her.

Saturday is my birthday and I am going to be 26. I told Matt all I want for my b-day is a one hour massage and to be able to come home and do nothing for the rest of the day! My dad said he should get me a house keeper for the day! I would welcome that idea too! Well I hope I at least get one thing!

Thanks for reading.  Enjoy your day!

Talking to my self!?

Do you ever feel like the only person you talk to is yourself??? I don't mean in the psychotic way but realistically we all do it; we all talk to ourself. As a stay at home mom living in a city with no really close friends I feel as though my best friend right now is myself. I miss hanging out and having fun with friends. I don't feel like I have that one person to talk to about everything and anything about to. Hmm will I ever? I don't know. My hubby works a lot and I know I probably bug him a lot during the day calling him all the time but I what else am I suppose to do? I need another adult to talk to. I want to start having fun as an adult. I want to have fun with my hubby again. We need to have fun couple adult time! Ok well I'm rambeling... Done for now... Night

My babies...

Wow I can't believe it... Emily is 3 weeks old already and my other two babies are getting so big. Zach is going to be 5 in exactly 3 weeks and I just can't believe it! Maddison will be 2 in April... I can believe that one onlhy because the way she's acting. Wow how fast time goes by... look at all my babies as babies... they are all so beautiful! I know that life is always changing and growing and getting older but that is and always has been my hardship in life and thats change. I have always hated change. I know it's because of how much my life was always changing when I was a kid so even now as an adult i have a hard time with it. I just need to enjoy every moment with all of them.

BABY EMILY IS HERE!!!

Well on February 4th I went and saw the midwife(MW)... I was dilated to a 3-4cm and was 50% effaced. Later that evening at around 7pm I began to have contractions and by 10:30 the hubby and I were on our way to the hospital. When we had arrived the MW checked me and I was still the same but my contractions had died down... So we walked the hall for about an hour or so and it helped me efface more but I wasn't any more dilated. So we came home. As soon as we were leaving the hospital the contractions started happening again but I shrugged them off. By the time we got home and through the door I began having contractions about 2-3 mins apart. We stayed home for about an hour and a half and then we finally went back to the hospital. It was now 3:30am February 5th. While I was changing my clothes the MW Julie admitted me to the hospital since my contractions were so close. Once in my room they got me all set up and checked I had dilated to a 5cm and by 4:45 Julie offered to break my water! So we did and within about 4 contractions little miss Emily's head cam down and within a half an hour she was here! Emily Lake Lopez was born February 5, 2011 @ 5:16am weighing 6lbs 11oz.

We have been home now for a couple of weeks and getting used to having 3 kids is a lot harder than I thought it was going to be. I am trying to exclusively breastfeed little miss Emily which is challenging because I feel glued to the couch and a little lazy because I'm not getting anything else done. Emily is a cluster feeder (she never stops!) and won't take a pacifier but she is beautiful and I just love her to pieces. My 22 month old Maddison is being stubborn and in to everything which we expected but at the same time she wants to hold the baby all the time. I think in a way she thinks that Emily is a live baby doll. My son Zach who is almost 5 is my big helper. He gets Maddi out of things she shouldn't be when I tell him to and loves that he can hold Emily without the help of anybody. Wow how life has changed having 3 kids. I can't wait tell breastfeeding gets easier so that I can get back to our normal life and get everyone back on a schedule (of some sort). But for now I am just glad that my new little girl Emily Lake is here and that she's healthy!

Discomfort...

Wow what I wouldn't give to just be done being pregnant. At 35 weeks pregnant I have been miserable for most of this pregnancy. It has gone from the constant nausea from 6 weeks till almost 20 weeks then I was OK for a couple of weeks. Then the pinched nerves in my back started and oh was that just so much fun and really hasn't gone away but its not as bad as it was. Now I have heartburn / acid reflux extremely bad and am just physically done.  I know it's too early for my little girl to come out yet but if I was to have her right now I would be ecstatic! I want to be able to walk, bend over, hold my other 2 kids without feeling smashed, sleep with very little discomfort.  Don't get me wrong I know what lies ahead isn't going to be simple. A stay at home mom of 3 is no easy task but having a body that doesn't feel disabled will be so worth it! Well enough complaining...off to do some more planning for the big day... February 9th is just around the corner!